Friday, March 12, 2010

Clearing a Space for Me

I promised myself I would go one full year before committing myself to anything where I was scheduled to "show-up" anywhere for any reason. That sounds pretty easy and even enjoyable right? This was not a piece of cake, to go from being over scheduled to absolutely no schedule. I found myself pretty busy and occupied with settling the house and unpacking. But after the first 3 months I watched myself noticing all the opportunities in the local paper to "volunteer" "help" or "donate" myself to a cause. I began to envision myself tutoring in the adult literacy program, volunteering at a childcare center, or teaching a college course. These were all comfortable ways I knew I could easily legitimize myself as a contributing human being and ease the rising discomfort I had begun to feel about what I thought were my empty and unproductive days. But every time I was tempted to pick up the phone to take action, I stopped myself, remembering the firm promise I made to give myself one full year. So one day, nearly 8 months after the move, there came a transformative moment! Sometime between when I lay on a lawn chair in the sun and during a 3 hour walk with the dog, I decided I was being driven by guilt to think I wasn't a valuable person unless I was "helping" others. But the TRUTH behind this guilty feeling was the immensely discomforting feeling that I was certainly a worthless human being unless I opted to continue to help others or do what I had done for over 30 years. There it was....I knew this was my truth because I felt a huge relief once I found myself breathing into that thought. Could I now begin to live my life in a way that made sense to me? I noticed that all the things I planned I'd do after I retired didn't really interest me that much. Perhaps they might at another point in time but I now knew I didn't want to be engaged in anything that involved planning too far ahead, was organized, required a daily commitment to complete. or involved too many interactions with too many people. I wanted to wake up, let the day unfold without the nagging guilty feeling that I should be doing this or that or something with my life. I didn't want to own that guilt anymore and it's been an important discovery of a personal truth for me. I feel like I'm beginning to attend to my life, in this moment, and feeling the compounded blessings of "volunteering" to compassionately help me become more of me! This is my joy now and it feels wonderful!!!

3 comments:

  1. Hurray! You are the retiree model for me! One day, when my retirement day is due, I shall follow you closely. Hugs and many, many smiles, dear friend.

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  2. How strange to read my very own feelings! I will retire in three months after a "being over scheduled job/life".
    Scared of becoming invisible however longing to have the day to myself and time where I am still "young and healthy" to enjoy MY time.
    Good luck to you on this new phase I think that it is an important phase and must be used well.
    Tamarikas sister Elise.

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  3. I'm happy for you, Marion... so happy for you. I am also impressed by how seriously you took this promise you made to yourself... it would have been so easy to say "awww....I can change my mind and I can do this" but that would have meant betraying your own promise to YOU - that's a beautiful thing that you did for you. It can be very difficult to do our own bidding when there seems to be so much around us that is calling us to do "its" bidding! I'm really happy for you.

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